why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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