We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
