fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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