i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
