Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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