Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
