She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
