Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
