My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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