Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
