The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
