So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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