she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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