Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just invented taco cereal.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
