There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
