I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
