It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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