I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
two words: eviction party
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
