well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
