Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
