i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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