Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
