we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
