thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
