i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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