I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she told me i tasted like america
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
