I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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