you would pick up someone in the library
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
