Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize