I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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