don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
