if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
