i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Sorry about my life...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
