pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
