I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
