Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
