i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
