So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
