I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
