I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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