dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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