if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
