Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
