Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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