pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
