Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
