At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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