she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
