words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Someone shattered a urinal.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
