why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
