The best revenge is premature balding
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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