I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You are the jesus of drinking
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
